Crappy Days

Maybe I should stop saying that “Sianz” (Singlish for “boring”) to myself or out loud to D. I have been saying “sianz” for some time now, and wonder how life could be boring at times, and BAM, God answers my request. Now that He has kinda “spiced” up my life, I am thinking that boring isn’t such a bad thing after all. And so, the crappy days had continued from yesterday and it all came to a head this afternoon.

I reckon it’s not easy to change people’s perspectives or opinions since they only see the aftermath of things and make their assumptions based on what they had seen. What’s the point of explanation when people’s opinion has been fixed by what they saw? Even decisions made at that point in time could backfire and what am I left with but sweeping up the shattered pieces and hoping that time will blow them away.

Why is it that all the right/good things that I have been doing are considered to be expected of me, but it only takes just one decision that I made (which I felt was correct at that time but  resulted in a sucky situation) to negate all the good I have done. I don’t expect to be acknowledged to all the good things I have done, afterall I am no saint. But it still hurts to know that when you try so hard to do the right things, sometimes you need to play the game of the world and conform to what is expected in the institution.

Is it the way of life, a normal Cause & Effect phenomenon in this Me-Myself-And-I world we are living in?

Do I doubt myself now? Yes, this has affected me, shook me up and maybe even caused me to blame myself, given what people had said to me. D and another fren helped to put things in perspective for me, but yes, it will affect me for awhile.

Awww, $%#^#$F***, I am angry with myself but letting this affect me more that I need to, and I need to get a grip. It’s a waste of my energy and it’s been awhile since I went back to my personal bible verse, Psalm 18:2.

“The Lord is my rock and my fortress, my deliverer; my God and my strength in whom I can trust; my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.”

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